By Anyaa McAndrew & Gary Stamper
We had time together a few nights ago to just relax and review the last several months. It has taken a toll on both of us to build and get into our new home, and my mother died in the meantime, and I said good-bye to my beloved girl-dog. I am in menopause and Gary is still finding his new identity in the Smoky Mountains of North Carolina , far, far away from the familiar Northwest. We are finally at a place were we can let go a bit, and it’s now time for us to actually have some down-time together. We talked about our inner thoughts and feelings about life in these times and our immense appreciation of what we have created together. We have booked a short vacation in the fall, and another week in January.
We wonder what life would be like if we did not take those small and larger spaces of time together? In our couples work in the world, we sometimes see couples who really do not know each other very well. Perhaps they don’t make the time to talk deeply, or perhaps they’ve drifted apart. Some couples simply give up trying to communicate and make a lot of assumptions about what the other feels, thinks, wants and desires. Life gets way too predictable, and there seem to be no surprises left. But a boring relationship is often simply a lack of renewal-time. Just as we feel the call to do a cleanse or take a retreat, couples need time to go deeper together, clearing out the old misconceptions and renewing their connection.
We live in an intentional community with other couples, and we so appreciate the company of other two-somes, and it’s fun to talk about our relationships in an open and honest way with each other without violating boundaries.
We trust each other, and many of us have known each other for a long time, and perhaps even in previous lives. We plan things together such as meals and hikes and sometimes vacations, or projects where we teach together. Sometimes we do each other’s work, and learn from each other. I have come to really honor all of us as conscious couples and what we stand for. We have had so few authentically happy, close and couples to look to for how to make relationship work really well.
The couples that show up for our workshops are doing their work not only for themselves but for their children, grandchildren, parents and ancestors. We feel that relationship is a spiritual path; that it is where we wake up to our real selves, and get the chance to be our best self. If the climate in our relationship is emotionally safe, which takes daily work, we have a place to be who we really are, in our shadow and our light, good days and bad, dark nights and celebratory times. If the climate is not safe, we regress, repress and suppress our real selves, and our growth as individuals and as a couple gets blocked. Many people go to workshops and processes by themselves, to fill the need for a safe space to grow spiritually, and eventually the changes that happen will challenge the relationship. We see many couples who come apart because one of them refuses to do the work to keep current with their partner’s growth.
Anyaa facilitates women’s spiritual work, and Gary facilitates work with men. We feel these two paths are extremely important and necessary. Women need to individuate from the Patriarchal Society that has overrun our authentic feminine power and our inner spiritual authority. Men need to grow past the hard and soft patriarchies that have also numbed their souls, and reclaim their masculinity as Noble or Spiritual Warriors.
Couples need to learn to hold space for those separate paths, while also doing the profound work of relationship, diving deeper together as soul-partners towards what is called Sacred Union. The Planet is demanding that we all find a way to stand in our power and get along together, to resolve our differences and move to a place of dissolving meaningless ego-conflict for the highest good of all. Conscious Coupleship is the model for this. As more couples come together at a higher octave of forgiveness, understanding, safety, love and trust, we have more of a chance for peace. When couples come together in groups of couples, we learn from each other, and support each other’s relationships. Chances are, despite any problems experienced in relationship, you’re already with the right person – Now it’s just a matter of learning how use your relationship as a launching pad for your next realization. We feel it’s time to see couples as powerful spiritual beings unto themselves that can change the world, one couple at a time!
© August, 2009